Dear Obsessmuch,

Dear Obsessmuch,

Help! We have a newish au pair and she is not working out. Let me backtrack. My husband and I have 3 busy children ages 8, 11 and 12. I have returned to the workplace after being a stay at home mom for 12 years and my husband is a physician whose hours have been a little more unmanageable the past 3 years. To help with school runs, sports, meals and housework, we opted to hire an au pair.

Enter Eugenie. The service placed the most perfect young woman in our home. She wanted to work with our family because she has an interest in a career in medicine. She is from Ireland, so while there are cultural differences with American life, there are no language barriers. She is warm, fun, creative and loving with the kids. The kids love her and, so far, everyone has made it to school, dance, soccer and swim. She is so brilliant that her homework help is beyond what I can offer. She also grew up dancing, so she can give my middle daughter free dance lessons. This horrid woman on the PTA has already tried to hire Eugenie out from under us.

But Eugenie is also a slob. She only eats junk food (we only eat organic, the kids are gf and we strictly observe meatless Mondays). She has a new boyfriend who is at our home constantly. She listens to loud trap music at all hours.

We feel like we are tip-toeing around our own home when Eugenie has her days off. We want her weird boyfriend to get his feet off the Noguchi coffee table. We want her flaming hot cheetos out of the pantry. We want her to get better taste in music. We are afraid that if we confront her, things will become worse or she will leave us. How can we take back control of our home while still keeping Eugenie here and happy.

Sincerely,

GlutenfreeMommy

Dear GlutenfreeMommy,

Congratulations on your return to the workplace. That is a huge accomplishment. I am relieved that you have sought the services of an au pair. The relationship with a caregiver that lives in your home is very intimate and can naturally lead to conflict. Eugenie sounds like she is excellent with the children. That is the most important in terms of fit. Where you all (or maybe just you and your husband) are experiencing problems, is rules/boundaries for Eugenie's personal time and space.

The area where I'd say you have the least control is food. Eugenie has the right to eat whatever food she would like. As long as she is not feeding the children food that is prohibited, she is not doing anything wrong. She is entitled to an area for her food. Food is extremely personal and just like you expect her to respect organic or gluten free recipes for the children, she expects you to respect her food choices.

While you cannot dictate her taste in music, you can institute quiet hours during which she cannot play music that is audible. You also cannot change her taste in boyfriends. But you can absolutely control whether he is allowed in your home and/or around your children.

You didn't give examples of her slobby behavior. If her room is a mess, you have zero control over that. If she is not cleaning public areas and that is part of her contract, then you need to have a discussion of expectations and division of labor. The au pair agency can help all of you clearly designate the division of labor when it comes to household responsibilities outside of childcare.

Eugenie sounds like a top notch au pair who also acts like a young adult. Clear boundaries around music and boyfriend should help you gain control. Explicit expectations around household chores should alleviate the tension of feeling like she's just a slob. If she doesn't work out for you or the horrid PTA mom, I may try to poach her. Keep us posted.

Cheers,

Obsessmuch